Discarded Angel

A short story by Janet Moulder

Prompt by muse of last resort. authorbuzz

It was a beautiful morning, deep red and cerise pink hues appeared behind the silhouette of densely planted trees. A disc of bright orange slowly rose above the black forest.

A narrow country lane zig-zagged through the countryside. Hedgerows laden with berries, concealed a wire-fence and ancient stonewalls. Overnight the temperature had plummeted, leaving the rural lanes covered in a layer of black ice.

I drove my little ford fiesta along the treacherous lane, heading towards the forest. Despite my best efforts at steering, the car skidded one-way, then the other. No amount of oversteering or acceleration would stop the wheels from spinning. Debris was sent everywhere as I lost control without any traction. There was nothing I could do. So very tentatively I got out and abandoned my car.

Walking along the lane was harder than I had expected. The black ice was lethal, and up ahead was the start of a steep hill. All I kept thinking to myself was ‘I have to reach the forest’ but after slipping several times, getting painful cuts and bruises from landing on the road. It seemed every time I slipped over, the forest appeared further away. Another treacherous corner with a large puddle was concealed by black ice. I skidded sideways, grabbing a nearby hedge to keep my balance, but the hidden thorns pierced my skin causing blood to drip from my painful hands. The freezing conditions helped to numb some of the pain, but it also made my hands sting and throb.

Trying to progress up the hill, carefully holding onto the hedges and trees, I could feel my feet slip and slide. I stood pinned against a hedge as a car drove up behind me. This was the last thing I needed. I had left home extra early to avoid any traffic, but I hadn’t considered the local farmers doing their usual checks. The vehicle slowed, then once it was level with me, a red-faced farmer leant across the passenger-side of his dirt-splattered Land Rover. His excitable spaniel almost jumping out of the window.

1

“Do you want a lift?” the farmer asked in a gruff, harsh voice.

Any other time I would have accepted his offer, but today I needed to be on my own. I had planned this journey for several weeks.

With a disgruntled moan, the farmer drove off, causing his poor dog to fall from the seat. I watched the muddy Land Rover slip and slide up the lane, but the old ‘workhorse’ made it up the steep hill, leaving a plume of black exhaust fumes behind him.

One more slip onto my knees made me shout and swear, at this rate I wouldn’t reach the forest until midnight. The last thing I needed was to break an arm or leg and end up in hospital. My plans had to be adjusted, the only other route to the forest was across the farmers’ fields. I climbed over a nearby gate and began walking up the ploughed field. Every stride hurt, each step across the solid, icy mounds of ploughed field caused me to wince. Tears rolled down my face, every muscle and sinew hurt. I felt sharp stabs of pain from my feet up to my shoulders. The arduous trek was tortuous, but I continued to push onwards. The forest appeared green, like a fresh entrance to paradise, my sanctuary, my utopia.

A brief stop to get my breath allowed me the chance to look back. Down in the valley where I had just ascended was now turning brown, the sun had started to thaw the jack-frost, and up ahead on the verge of the forest, I could see the bright green shoots of grass and young saplings. My feet felt like every single bone was broken, each sinew and muscle felt pulled and torn.

The bright green saplings lined the darker bare trunks of pine trees. A rich smell of pine-oil and woody-scents made my nose tickle. Ducking through the barbed-wire fence I finally located the first white ribbon. This tiny bow was tied to a large conifer, its branches hanging low laden with a reddish-brown bunch of seeds.

The trail of tied white ribbons took me off the normal trail. Thick canopies of dense fir trees and high sprawling brambles made the journey increasingly painful. Branches hit my face, snagged my clothes and like gnarled fingers tried to hold me back. Above the tall dark canopy of conifers, a series of different bird-songs echoed, each one calling to their neighbour, before a call was returned. In the distance a woodpecker hammered on a tree, I smiled at the strange knocking. With each new bird-song, my pain seemed to be fading. I was entranced by the interlaced branches, parting like fingers, to reveal a deep azure blue sky. My utopia wasn’t far away now. I had collected five white ribbons, just two more to go.

2

Suddenly I froze, I hadn’t expected to see anyone here, but there was definitely someone nearby. I knew it wasn’t an animal, my hearing became very acute, but I couldn’t hear anyone, yet I sensed a presence watching me. The last thing I needed was to come across a poacher probably with a loaded shotgun. Slowly I turned to face this stranger, but no-one was there. I continued collecting the remaining ribbons, but I felt uneasy. Then a softly spoken voice said “Where are you going?”

I spun round and was confronted by a young woman. Her dress was grey and dirty, with torn and ripped edges. If I didn’t know any better, I would have sworn she was an angel, but she certainly didn’t look heavenly, there was no halo or wings. This woman looked bedraggled and a deathly grey colour.

Very slowly I moved away from her, but she followed me. Carefully she placed each foot down, just like a ballerina, but her feet barely touched the ground. She had no shoes on, yet her feet remained grey, and her toenails were an unhealthy blue. Finally I saw her wings, they were limp and sodden. Instead of being white and fully feathered, these were covered in mud, dragging behind her collecting the dead leaves with every step.

“Where are you going?” I asked, with a hint of caution.

“I don’t know, I guess, I’m meant to be with you, but I don’t know why”

“WOW! Okay, well, the thing is, I don’t really need your help”

“No, you don’t understand. I need you to help me” she replied.

“But how? What am I meant to do? Actually, where have you come from?”

3

“I don’t know, I don’t even know where this place is” she said, looking around, as if she was lost in a bad dream.

I couldn’t stop myself from laughing, the sound echoing through the trees, causing the birds to take flight. “Shit! You’ll tell me that you are an angel next” I said sarcastically.

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand. What is an angel? she asked, sounding truly bewildered.

“Oh, come on. Don’t be so stupid. Are you on drugs, is that it? Have you been on a bender? And now you don’t remember who or where you are?”

“I don’t understand you, what are drugs?”

“WOW! Lady, you really need help. I thought I had problems” I said quietly to myself.

“Please, can I walk with you? she asked, sounding really scared.

“NO! No, I’m sorry, you can’t”

“Please, please don’t leave me here” she begged.

“Look, go back to wherever you came from, and leave me alone”

“But, I don’t know where I am. I don’t know anything” she replied tearfully.

“Yeah well, I’m a bit busy at the moment. So, if you don’t mind, I need to do something”

“You don’t need to do this?” she replied.

The weird woman suddenly made me feel very insecure. I had never believed in God, or any sort of religion, but this woman really ‘scared the shit out of me’. It felt like she could read my mind. No, it was worse than that, it felt like she was inside my head. When she spoke, I didn’t actually hear her voice, because she spoke inside my head. I desperately wanted to get away from her, but somehow, I knew it would be impossible. To accomplish my ultimate quest, I needed to be alone, completely alone. This meant getting rid of the weird woman. I had to be careful, and trick her into leaving me alone.

4

I began by asking her “So, what is your name?”

“I don’t know. I was hoping you could help me, to remember”

“So, have you just fallen from heaven?” I mocked.

“I don’t understand. What is heaven? And why do you keep laughing at me?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake! Are you that fucking stupid? Oh, I get it. You went to a weird, fancy dress party, took a few too many lines. Then found yourself dumped out here, in the middle of nowhere. Nice friends you have, if that’s the case”

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand you”

“Yeah well, I’ve spent enough time with you. So, go back to your friends, and leave me alone”

“Please, please don’t leave me. I’m really scared. Please help me, I’m begging you”

I now had a huge dilemma, do I continue with my plan, or should I reconsider my intentions. After a split-second decision, I decided that no matter what, I would never go back home.

“Okay, if you really want me to help you. I hope you won’t mind if we visit the lake?” I suggested, walking off.

I could hear my footsteps, crunching the fallen leaves, but this woman made no sounds. I looked back and she moved silently, as if on tip-toes. A ballerina who glided over a thick layer of dead leaves.

“Hey! Are you a ghost?” I joked, making sure my feet stomped on the woodland path.

“I don’t know what that is” she repeated.

“JESUS! Why me? Why now? Why do I have to meet a bloody weirdo, today of all days” I mumbled to myself.

At last I found the final white ribbon, its neat bow, still intact and tied tightly around the drooping branch. I stopped suddenly and turned to face the strange woman. “Right, before we go any further, I need to ask you one more time. Why are you here? And who are you?”

The woman looked shocked and replied “I don’t know. I just need to stop you”

5

“You what! Say that again?”

“I have to stop you. I don’t know why, but I have to do this. I have to stop you… John, you don’t need to do this” she repeated.

My blood ran cold when she said my name. “How do you know me?” I asked, trying to hide my anger.

“I’m not sure” she replied, sounding as if she was whispering.

“So, what is your name? I can’t call you… I don’t know, angel-woman” I said, trying not to laugh.

The woman just looked at me, shrugged her shoulders and replied “I don’t know”

“Okay, so do you know, why I’m here?”

“Yes, and it’s not too late, to change your mind, John”

I shook my head in disbelief. I had planned this day, meticulously for weeks. I had lost everything to a gambling addiction. My family had disowned me, my friends had abandoned me, but I wasn’t surprised, after being caught stealing from them. I was thrown out of my home when the debt-collectors turned up to take everything. It was at this point, that I began to plan my escape. I walked the streets for a few weeks, living in dodgy doorways and park-benches. My life couldn’t get any lower. I stole a car and drove to the local forest. I had found my utopia, my way out of this horrible world, and to make sure it was done correctly, I rehearsed the set-up several times. Today was meant to be my final visit, but just as everything was going to plan, I came across this annoying, psycho-woman.

Deep down, I knew this was way out of my control, but no matter what this strange woman might say, nothing would make me go back home. In fact, I didn’t have a home to go back to anyway. All I wanted, right now, was to kill myself. I had planned this, even visualized it, with just a handful of woodland creatures watching my demise.

I had hoped that my body, would never be found. However, this woman was forcing me to do the unthinkable. I would have no choice, I had to take her with me. I had tried to save her, but it seemed that she was a lost-cause, so maybe, just maybe, she wouldn’t be missed. Who would know if she was missing, who would be bothered if she disappeared. No matter what, this weird-woman was not going to stop my plans, but how did she know what they were, or my name?

6

Suddenly I grew apprehensive of this woman, she should look angelic, but her appearance was grey, with lack-lustre wings and undefinable features.

I tried to send her a nasty message with my mind, but she never replied. Instead she became smaller and turned a ghostly-grey. A few feathers became dark and fell out, causing her to whimper in pain.

Normally I would have shrugged this off, but now I felt a weird sense of guilt, an uncomfortable feeling of conviction that her pain and weakness was caused by my selfishness. I began to realise that taking your own life wasn’t solitary at all. Even if this angel-woman hadn’t appeared, I would never truly be alone. Since above my head in the trees, there was an audience of birds. But what would they do as I died, what could they possibly do? The birds would still sing, the trees would still grow, and the insects would happily feast on my rotting body.

Suddenly a loud whimper came from the angelic-woman. She fell onto her knees, her feathers becoming black and sticky, as the brambles pulled each one out. I could feel her pain, and now I was torn between my obsession with committing suicide and her demise. I had a connection to her that felt more painful than any of my cuts, bruises and pulled muscles.

7

A voice inside my head spoke, I had once been comforted by it, but this time it sounded angry, using words such as…worthless, weak, revolting and selfish. This made me snap out of my stupor, and inch towards the lake.

Seeing the fallen angel, grovelling and becoming weaker by the minute, made me stop and turn around. Her grey hand reached out to me. I nervously held out my hand to touch hers, but there was nothing. I had expected to feel an electric shock, or something akin to a block of ice, but there was nothing. My hand reached out, into thin air. I laughed nervously, realising this woman had been some kind of hologram. This didn’t explain the gut-wrenching feeling of pain and helplessness. I could feel her sorrow deep within my heart. This sacred place inside my body, had been cold for many years. In fact I couldn’t remember the last time my heart felt this pang of attachment. I had forgotten what true love felt like, and I wasn’t sure if I could ever love anyone again.

While in the grasp of a gambling addiction and using drugs, my life began to change. During a night at a local casino, everything changed for good. I had won two grand, but inside my head a voice urged me to keep on gambling. An hour later, I had lost twenty grand, and fled down a dark alleyway. My family were threatened and forced to pay back the money. Meanwhile I hid like a coward. The voice inside my head took over my thoughts, it kept me awake at night, using belittling remarks and convincing me to kill myself. I truly believed this would be the only way to find peace, and relieve my family of the burden.

I had almost done it, I was mentally ready and nothing, not even black ice, or frozen ploughed fields would stop me. The horrible voice had become so overpowering, I’d do anything to stop its constant intrusion.

My meticulous plan to commit suicide had given me a huge boost. I had pushed myself through crippling pain, just to reach the forest. I was now yards away from my ultimate goal, when a bloody weird angel appeared.

8

Stood next to a tree before the forest revealed a glade, and acres of open water. I hated myself, all the adrenaline which had kept me pushing onwards was now fading. The pain took over, every torn muscle throbbed and spasmed, the nerve-endings twitching like electric-shocks. My lungs burned and my head felt like it was in a vice. I steadied myself against the tree, waves of dizziness and nausea sweeping over me.

The angelic figure slowly rose-up, her limp, dark wings began to change colour. Each feather grew sleek, gradually turning a pure white. I couldn’t look up, not without causing my head to throb. Holding my head, all I could see were the angel’s feet, and they had changed from a dirty grey, to a healthy pink. Her dress had miraculously turned dry and a vibrant white.

Fighting through my intense headache, I looked up and saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. No words could describe this angelic being.

“Please, come with me” she whispered.

“Where? Where are you going?”

“Please, I just need you to come with me”

“I thought you didn’t know where this was?”

“I have made several mistakes recently. You are my last chance to redeem myself. Please John, please come with me”

“NO! No-way! I came here to be alone, I don’t need your help, I don’t need rescuing”

“But John, you don’t understand. You are meant to rescue me. I have to take you with me, or I will…”

I laughed at the irony. “Why don’t we both go to the lake?” I suggested, as the evil voice inside my head spoke again.

“No John, it isn’t safe” she begged.

9

“Oh, come on, it’s only water. It won’t kill you” I joked.

To my surprise she stepped towards me and held out her hand. This time her hand felt warm and silky-smooth. After a few unsteady paces, I managed to walk without any pain. In front of me, I could see the lake, its deep water appearing black beyond the reeds and tall bull-rushes. My utopia didn’t look appealing any more, yet behind me, the forest had come to life. Vivid greens had replaced the dark conifers, bluebells, yellow primroses and delicate white snowdrops sprang to life. Colourful birds hopped from branch to branch, singing their melodic songs. Squirrels danced around the trees, small rabbits hopped over the logs. Everything glistened as if sprinkled with glitter. It was like a scene from Disney’s Snow White.

Entranced by the wonderous scene, I hadn’t noticed the angel inching towards me. Her long, dank hair was now a glorious bronze, she was surrounded by a golden-glow, which luminated the entire area. Her wings were now pure white, each feather soft and pristine. The forest creatures were drawn to this angelic-being. For once in my life, I felt secure and filled with love. I started to realise how much hatred, and selfishness I had held within myself. For years I had believed the voice inside my head was part of my drug-induced mind, but now I knew this voice shouldn’t be here at all. Just as I tried to ignore the voice, it became more demanding, using threats and making feel weaker.

I looked at the lake, and the dark water appeared inviting again. I had marked a spot where the water was deep, thick weeds would trap anyone trying to swim free.

10

All of this dithering was making me confused, I should have jumped into the lake by now. My car would have been discovered by now. The miserable-old farmer probably reported my strange behaviour to the police. I couldn’t risk this plan going wrong, not now. If I was found about to jump, the police would have me sectioned and that would be my worst nightmare.

I just wished this damn, evil voice would help me, either by making me jump, or leaving me alone. Suddenly my head felt empty, and the angel was stood watching my every move. She wasn’t exactly holding me back, or telling me what to do. Instead she kept asking me to help her, but how? I was barely capable of helping myself, let alone someone I didn’t even know.

Far in the distance, I could hear sirens. I needed to take action now. Without a second thought I ran towards the lake. Stopping at the wooden pontoon, where anglers would sit for hours, patiently waiting for a bite on their fishing rod. I stood looking down into the dark water, my reflection casting a black shadow across the icy-depths. Moments later the darkness changed, ripples of blue and aqua coloured water spread out across the vast lake. Watching these amazing colours, lapping against the pontoon, I hadn’t noticed the angel standing behind me, she was radiant, towering high and proud.

Suddenly something from within the lake reached up and grabbed my leg. I was pulled from the pontoon and dragged under the dark, freezing water. This wasn’t in my plan. I started to panic, trying my hardest to swim, but something was pulling me down. I kicked with all my might, until the underwater-demon let go. Desperate to reach the surface, I was horrified to see the surface had frozen-over, and now there was no escape.

My body felt heavy, pulling me down even further. Taking a watery-breath, I allowed the devil to take me. I had done it, I was free from the horrible world of gambling, debts, cheating, fake friends and the miserable loneliness. At last my mind was free from the evil voice, I was dead. My body sank into the thick, disgusting mud. I could feel myself sinking as multiple hands grabbed and pulled me down.

11

Something inside my head made me scream for help. I began to kick at the grasping hands until I was free. Above me, the water looked brown, dead fish slowly sinking to the bottom. I began to swim towards the surface, reaching the blue and aqua coloured water with its vibrant fishes swimming past me. The lake was no longer frozen, instead a ray of sunshine filtered down through the water.

On the pontoon, where I had been dragged into the water, was the angelic figure. She put her hand into the water, causing ripples of gold to spread across the surface. I reached up and grabbed her hand. Within seconds I was pulled out of the cold water and surrounded by a layer of warm feathers. The feeling of euphoria was amazing. I had never felt so warm, safe and free.

My head was full of questions, but as I began to realise that my body was pain-free and light, the angel wrapped her golden wings around my shoulders and showed me the reflection dancing across the lake’s surface.

I couldn’t believe my eyes, just like a mirror, the crystal-clear water showed an image of two figures. The angel looked radiant with a huge halo of golden-light emitting rays of sunshine. Next to her was another angel, but this one was white with small, almost baby-sized wings. After feeling comforted by the angel, I was shocked yet relieved to see myself as the new angel.

“Come on, it’s time to go” she said, squeezing my hand gently.

I nodded and closed my eyes. A bright-light enveloped me, filling every cell in my body. I opened my eyes and was surrounded by glorious images of colourful flowers, trees and animals. This was paradise, my utopia, my place of total peace. I had been rescued by a discarded angel, the reasons for her demise would never be revealed, but she now looked radiant and beautiful. She had redeemed herself by saving me from the hands of the devil.

“Thank you, Discarded angel, I can now rest in peace”

The End.

12.